It’s Thursday, I’m in a great mood, and Free Press continues to rely on a questionable understanding of both engineering and the Constitution to make their arguments.  So I thought I’d have some fun with that. I now give you:

The Bill of Rights

(as interpreted by Free Press and to be adopted retroactively at any time they see fit)

Article I - ISPs shall make no policy respecting an establishment of order to network traffic, or prioritizing the VoIP, video or game traffic; or abridging the flow of P2P traffic, or the Hulu; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and illegally download copyrighted material.

Article II - A well regulated Internet, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear a router, shall be strictly overseen.

Article III - No Internet user shall, in time of economic uncertainty be charged by any ISP, without the consent of the US government, nor in time of economic prosperity, but at a rate to be prescribed by law.

Article IV - The right of the people to be secure in their illegal downloads, file shares, porn, and warez, against reasonable content protection, shall not be violated, and no graduated response shall ensue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation of the user that they want to get caught, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the stuff they want to give up.

Article V - Any ISP shall be held to answer for any blocking, or otherwise infamous crime, under a presentment or indictment of the FCC (with or without clear statutory authority); the ISP shall be twice (or more often) put in jeopardy for the same offence, regardless the minor nature of the offense; CEOs shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against themselves, and be deprived of life, liberty, or company, without due process of law but by ancillary and arbitrary authority; private property shall be taken for public use, without just compensation, because broadband is now an inalienable right.

Article VI - In all criminal prosecutions, ISPs shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public conviction, by an impartial panel of activists and liberal arts majors with no expertise in the engineering where in the crime shall have been committed.  ISPs shall be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; be confronted with questionable witnesses and the specious charges against them; have no process for obtaining witnesses in their favor (because all their witnesses would be Astroturf anyway), and not have the Assistance of Counsel for their defense (since that would be spending their enormous profits on lawyers who might then feel compelled to lobby.)

Article VII - In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty aggrieved users, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, but no fact heard by a jury shall be examined too closely in any court of the United States for fear the ridiculous arguments against them are largely based on suspicion and conjecture and would not hold up to close scrutiny under the rules of actual law.

Article VIII - Excessive bail shall be required of ISPs, and excessive fines imposed, as a way to recover the ISPs obscene profits and return them to the people.  The right to inflict cruel and unusual punishments on ISPs is reserved under ancillary authority.

Article IX - The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights granted to corporations, shall not be construed to apply to ISPs so charged by the people.

Article X - The powers not delegated to the FCC by the Constitution, Congress, or a questionable reading of the Communications Act, shall not be prohibited, and are reserved to the FCC or to Free Press.